12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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