My nipple is on Facebook.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
