I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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