Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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