the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
