I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
