well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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