i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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