Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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