Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
