you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Come share oat with me in your robe
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
