dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
