cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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