If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
