I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
