omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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