I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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