he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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