I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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