People in love make me want to vomit
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
