I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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