well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
