Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
