i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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