I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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