When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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