toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
