I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
