you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
