Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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