theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
