It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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