Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
