my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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