I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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