"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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