Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
