i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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