Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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