just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
