You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
