She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
