he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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