you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
