Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
