Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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