I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
