He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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