In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i need some magic done to my vagina
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
