I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Actions speak louder than pants.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
