im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
