i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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