i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
