i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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