if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
