I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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