i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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