Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
